The Right Way To Shorten Your Life

Are some things worth risking your life for, at least, a little? Possibly. Definitely. But check out this list. Is joining a bull fighting school really worth it?

The cream puffs are worth it. Punching Barry Bonds in the face is not and I don’t care what you say!

It’s an interesting list nonetheless, but not the one I would make. I mean, I’ve been diving in the Caribbean, and let me tell you, it’s the closest to flying without a plane you’ll ever get. But there’s no need, none, zero, nada, to be diving intentionally in a place that will blow you out of a cave to the surface via a blowhole. It’ll shorten your life expentency, a lot, certainly. But unlike the joys of smoking cigars and getting drunk in a seedy bar with your sexy blonde neighbor, it’s not worth it.

So what is worth it? Well, I’d start with joining a rock band. It’s incredible fun playing rock star and I don’t think that will shorten your lifespan much anymore (unless the wife objects strenuously). So here’s my list of dangerous things worth doing.

  1. Driving a sports car.
  2. Driving a motorcycle.
  3. Learning Tae Kwon Do and competing.
  4. Cavern diving (a specialized variant of scuba diving only slightly less dangerous than cave diving).
  5. The waffles at the Las Vegas Hilton (just off the Strip) served with half a ton of whipped creme.
  6. Drinking Cuba Libras anywhere in South America.
  7. Attending Jab-Jab in Granada.
  8. Going out for Ethiopian food in the Adams Morgan neighborhood of D.C. on a weekend night.
  9. Attending the U. of M./Ohio State football game when a trip to the Rose Bowl is on the line.
  10. Flying in any contraption that doesn’t have a motor.
  11. Playing chess with a drug lord in a foreign country while drinking Cuba Libras.

I’m not saying I’ve done these things, mind you. But I’m not saying I haven’t either.

That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

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